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"Still deciding me" and "Kind of a mess"

At age 22, Steve and I broke up and I was left reeling in the following days. January 18, 2015: "I tried not to think today about how I could have saved our relationship. Things like not bringing up how much marriage scares me or my feelings about gay marriage [namely I supported it and Steve did not] or my plans to go to grad school. But I think to not have talked about those things would have been to hide/sacrifice a part of myself. So I think I did a good job being me--even if I'm still deciding me--and I don't think I should regret that. " I'm sad I felt the need to hide myself to accepted in that relationship. I'm proud of myself for recognizing my own malleability--that I was a person in the making instead of a finished product--while also knowing what was already important to me. Some of the following days were good, some were hard. January 25, 2015 : "I'm kind of a mess right now. Like I don't know how to spend my time in order to get clo...
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Am I bad for wanting to pursue more education and wait to have kids?

A week ago, a friend asked me to share a little bit about life right after coming home from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He knew I'd had a bit of a hard time and wanted to know some of the details.  This question brought me back to journal entries from that time (2014-2015). I love keep journals because it is cathartic for me in the moment of writing and I also love going down memory lane--I'm often simultaneously embarrassed, entertained, disappointed, and impressed by my past self.  Journals can be vulnerable, personal, and fascinating. They aren't always something to share, but while reading my entries from seven years ago, I thought they may have some value to the endless void of the internet. Enough time has passed that it also feels more removed. My journals highlight some real issues with the religious and social culture I grew up in. I was a baby feminist who wouldn't have used that word to describe myself, but I craved agency ...
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